Here’s the synopsis of The Someday Love attraction dynamic, using fictional characters Eve and Adam:
Eve thinks she could be madly in love with a guy like Adam. She thinks he’s among the most amazing, handsome and charming men she’s met so far. She sometimes wonders what it would be like to be his romantic partner, and he often smiles at her as if he finds her attractive and interesting. He is very complimentary and respectful of her, showing her how much he values her company when they are out with their mutual friends. Still, he never makes a move to ask her out on a date even though she knows he’s single and she has every reason to believe he’s straight. He seems to be too wrapped up in finishing his Ph.D. studies. Since Eve has decided that the only man she wants to date is one who has the balls to pursue her, she will wait and see if Adam decides to step up and be that man some day. She hopes he will, as she can’t stop thinking about him and what it would be like to be with him. In the meantime, she’ll try to focus on her career, which is very demanding right now and requires a lot of attention.
In The Someday Love scenario, we see that Eve and Adam don’t have an established romantic relationship, but rather, that Eve appears to have a well-rationalized crush on Adam. It’s a tad more advanced than The Safe Crush scenario because they do share interactions as acquaintances, at the very least. Eve has decided that Adam would be an ideal mate for her if he were available to pursue their relationship, but he perhaps isn’t pursuing her because he is so focused on finishing his degree. Eve has a desire to be in a relationship with a man who isn’t afraid to initiate a date or express an interest in the woman he is attracted to. Although Adam doesn’t fit that description, Eve has imagined he may become this kind of man when his studies are no longer a priority.
While it is true for many men that their non-commitment to a woman or non-pursuit of her can be related to a life-timing issue, if a man is not at least communicating his interest through both words and behavior, it’s not wise to assume this as truth. I do suspect, however, that making this assumption could reveal something more important about what is going on with Eve, at the subconscious level. That Eve “can’t stop thinking about Adam” reveals she has developed an imaginary relationship with a future created version of Adam who is interested in her and pursuing her. For many people, this kind of imaginary relationship provides a few of the same emotional benefits as actual relationships. Eve can imagine that, in the future, she and Adam are happy and in love and compliment each other well and that in the present Adam is diligently tending to the education that will help to provide for their future. Engaging in this fantasy helps Eve to feel she has emotional access to a man who loves her in return without experiencing rejection from him in reality. Eve gets to imagine that Adam’s ability to commit to his studies is a reflection of Adam’s ability to commit to anything he desires to commit to when the time is right: including her. She has also mentally reserved herself for Adam, which makes her unavailable to other potential suitors she may encounter who might be a good fit in the present. It’s likely that Eve’s fear of rejection by a man she finds attractive, or fear of being unlovable, is much stronger than the desire to be with the right partner who creates the ideal relationship. Her fantasy relationship with Adam serves as a protection mechanism that keeps her from experiencing anything in reality that might confirm her fears. She has even created another excuse to maintain the protective fantasy: that she, herself, is also too busy focusing on her career to give a romantic relationship proper attention, which makes their current non-relationship status ideal.
Eve’s fears are directly related to subconscious beliefs about herself and a lack of self-worthiness of love. If she were able to create this kind of love-worthiness within herself, she wouldn’t have to create a fantasy that keeps her from exploring a more fulfilling love relationship. Then, instead of endless speculation about Adam’s possible attraction to her, she could initiate playful conversation with him to confirm his interest or non-interest. His feedback would free her up to move onto more available options for real love in the present. I will be discussing how to create this kind of self-love, easily and instantly, later in this book.
You may notice that the way I evaluate these situations is by looking for Eve’s desired relationship model and evaluating the present relationship dynamic to see if there is a match. Healthy long-term relationships are built on present interactions, that already exist, that you both desire to experience more of into the future.
While we can only experience the now of any given moment in time, our imagination and thoughts are also happening now. If you think about it, we are always relating to some imaginative version of anyone we have a relationship with because we define our relationship to a person through thoughts that happen only in our mind. How we feel about a person now might have nothing to do with what they have done in the past or are doing in the present but everything to do with what we hope or suspect they will do for us in the future. The problem with this kind of future-based relationship, occurring in the present imagination, is that it has no grounding in present reality. If, and when, the person we are having this kind of relationship with doesn’t follow our imaginary script for what we hope or suspect they will do for us, we can experience deep emotional pain and frustration, all related to our imaginary expectations. Can you imagine how Eve might feel if and when Adam eventually decides to pursue another woman after she has invested so much time and energy into their future-relationship fantasy? At a very subconscious level, she might even treat Adam as if he betrayed her even though he had no part in their imaginary relationship, making her even more undesirable to Adam even as a friend.
Your subconscious thoughts and beliefs impact the way you behave around others. In the book, I discuss how to evaluate your thoughts and beliefs in the present to increase your chances for success in attracting your ideal relationship mate.
There is a possibility that if Eve were to remove her fears through a healthy self-love relationship, that this is the exact kind of change in her that would attract Adam’s attention and cause him to initiate a pursuit. However, if she were to try to approach this kind of personal development work with that precise outcome in mind, she wouldn’t make the change out of her fears into secured self-love, but rather, she would be seeking yet another way to alleviate her fear through an imaginary future relationship with Adam. I know, it seems tricky, but here’s the gist: Eve will experience the best relationship outcome for her life, with or without Adam, if she develops a healthy sense of self-worth for the sake of improving her quality of life by her design. I’ve seen this kind of self-development work to the extent that the woman in Eve’s situation becomes so self-assured that she loses interest in Adam altogether and then, of course, he suddenly takes an interest.
Human relationships are funny in this way. An ideal relationship supports a pre-established love-worthiness within both individuals at the subconscious level, instead of existing out of a need to derive this sense of love-worthiness from the relationship itself.