Here’s the synopsis of The Optimistic “Other” Woman attraction dynamic, using fictional characters Eve and Adam:
Eve is madly in love with her supervisor, Adam. She thinks he is the most amazing, handsome and charming man she’s ever met. Although they work together, over time their relationship has developed into something far more than just professional and has started to include physical intimacy. It seems clear that the attraction is mutual. Adam is married but spends more time at work than at home. He often complains that his wife is not nearly as smart, understanding or as attractive as Eve. While Eve feels certain that Adam truly loves her more than he loves his wife, she’s also concerned that he doesn’t appear to be making any moves to divorce his wife. Eve must always remain discrete about their relationship, even among co-workers who are already quite suspicious. Eve secretly longs for the day she and Adam can be open about their romantic relationship and Adam is no longer tied up in a relationship with another woman.
In this scenario, Adam appears to be available for a relationship at work that has personal benefits, yet is not available for a romantic relationship that is fulfilling to Eve. Still, notice that she thinks he is the ideal mate for her and is holding on to a future vision of what their relationship could be instead of evaluating what their relationship is in the present. Eve is more in love with a projected future version of Adam than the current limited-access version and, more importantly, that Eve isn’t evaluating the relationship based on her present desires for a monogamous relationship that exists without a time or place boundary.
If you are familiar with this scenario in your life, here is an analogy to entertain:
Imagine that you have been asked to be a part of a best friend’s wedding party as a maid-of-honor and, upon accepting the role, you agree to find a red dress with a hemline that reaches just above your ankles to match the wedding’s dress theme.
While you are dress shopping in your favorite store, you find a must-have dress, yet it’s black and falls just above the knee. This particular dress may be the perfect dress for a cocktail party you are going to next week, however, or perhaps the bachelorette party. Still, you wouldn’t confuse this dress with the perfect red dress for your friend’s wedding, the one you are still shopping for, because it doesn’t meet the basic criteria and you want to honor and respect your friend’s wishes.
Now imagine that instead of Eve’s friend setting the criteria for a maid-of-honor dress, that Eve’s healthiest inner-self has tasked her with finding a partner that creates her ideal love relationship because that is what is really going on in this attraction scenario.
**It is important to note that, in this analogy, the dresses represent two different relationships models instead of two different men.**
If Eve’s goal is a healthy, committed, monogamous relationship, as suggested, then her relationship with Adam isn’t a good fit for the criteria and Eve would do best to either keep looking or to change her desired relationship criteria at the subconscious level. In this scenario, using the dress analogy, Eve is sticking with the black dress for the wedding and hoping her best friend will accept it in spite of her wedding party’s theme.
Eve is currently out of alignment with the desires of her subconscious goals, and thus out of personal integrity. When a person is out of integrity with their subconscious goals, they are sometimes attracted to people who are also out of integrity in a similar way and may become frustrated by that very trait showing up in the other person. Notice that, although Adam has agreed to a committed, monogamous relationship with his wife that is public, he is choosing to participate in another type of relationship: a secret one with Eve at work. Also, even though we can tell Eve deeply desires a committed monogamous relationship with a man that is public, she is accepting the opposite and hoping it will change into what she desires.
Eve is fully committed to Adam, but Adam cannot be fully committed to her. Both Eve and Adam are most likely acting out of fear and making decisions out of fear. I say this because acting outside of one’s integrity, in conflict with what you truly desire, is almost always motivated by subconscious fears in love or other areas of life.
Since we have limited insight into Eve’s thoughts in this scenario, I will speak to Eve’s possible fears. Eve may fear that Adam is the only man she is attracted to that is also attracted to her. She may fear that Adam is the only man that she can feel comfortable flirting with or interacting with in a romantic way. She may fear that if she doesn’t take a chance on hoping Adam’s situation will change, her dream relationship will never happen with him or anyone else. All of these fears are related to both Eve’s feelings about her self-worth and assumptions about having limited options or a scarcity of potential suitors for her dream relationship.
Eve’s belief in these fears can become a self-fulfilling momentum that brings them forth into reality. When she has subconsciously committed to Adam, she has become unavailable to other potential suitors. In fact, she doesn’t even seek them out. Due to her self-imposed limitations on love: that she can only receive love from Adam, she has created a situation that makes Adam the only person in her life to possibly fulfill her desires (and he’s not currently a good fit). She is investing 100% of her heart in a man who isn’t currently wired to contribute to her desired relationship in a fully-committed manner.
Some people may long for more details on Adam’s situation before assessing Eve’s position and viability of her heart’s investment. They may wonder: does Adam have children with his wife and if so, are they young (in other words: would they be negatively impacted by a divorce and that is the real reason Adam remains with his wife)? Has Adam made any promises to Eve to suggest he will eventually leave his wife or is he leading her on? But at the subconscious level, we only need to know Eve’s situation and the nature of the relationship between them to know if the investment is an asset or liability. Why? Because it doesn’t matter if Adam wants to divorce his wife and marry Eve in the future or if he never wants to divorce his wife and is leading Eve on. Both situations create the identical undesired relationship for Eve in the present: one that is out of integrity with her desired relationship because their romance involves another woman, and is secret.