Here’s the synopsis of Supplemental Love attraction dynamic, using fictional characters Eve and Adam:
Eve and Adam are both friends and lovers. Eve, however, isn’t ready to say she’s in love with Adam. She likes him, feels comfortable with him, and the sex is great. They have a mutually supportive relationship that involves a lot of respect for one another, and there is a certain level of attraction there, yet Eve finds herself still looking for her ideal mate for a long-term relationship: someone who shares more of her interests and values. Eve is continuously working on her personal development and would love to be with a guy who’s also interested in personal growth. She has her eye on a couple of men she is interested in dating and is unsure of where the relationship with Adam is going.
As I mentioned earlier, healthy long-term relationships are built on present interactions that already exist that you both desire to experience into the future. In this scenario, we know that Eve desires something more, both in the present and the future, because she is having thoughts in the present that Adam is not a good fit for her future. Because of this, she is not entirely emotionally available to him in the present or the future.
We don’t know where Adam stands, but we are aware that Eve is interested in a long-term, monogamous relationship with an ideal man, and that she doesn’t view Adam as the person to fill that role. So why is she with him? It feels comfortable, secure and she gets to feel loved. Feeling comfortable, secure and loved while pursuing other men can take the awkward pressure off of needing to win another man’s affection. If a man she desires for Plan A doesn’t work out, she has a secure Plan B to fall back on: Adam and this softens the emotional blow of dating, allowing her to take more risks in flirtatious interacts with men Eve might otherwise feel insecure around.
Eve will probably also notice that, since she’s had this relationship with Adam, other men seem to, suddenly, notice her more and may even find her more attractive than when she was single. She may attribute this to Murphy’s law since handsome men were unavailable when she was single and now that she’s in a relationship, they are taking an interest. This phenomenon, however, can be easily explained.
Women are more attractive to men when they feel secure in their worthiness of love and feel as if they have regular access to love and support, as you will learn more about in this book. Eve’s new risk-taking behaviors in interactions with men are also a factor, as these have less at stake, emotionally, and increase her options for potential suitors.
Eve is unsure of where the relationship is going because the outcome of whether or not she solidifies a better relationship with another man feels outside of her control. She ultimately desires to feel loved, supported and comfortable in a relationship which sometimes causes the relationship with Adam to feel like a viable option. It often feels authentically great because it’s comfortable and fun. She’s working on developing her sense of self-love and self-esteem, so this relationship with Adam supplements this sense from an external source instead of an internal one. Adam’s love and care for her reshape her subconscious story as she is in the process of evolving from someone who is afraid of being unlovable to someone who can easily see herself as lovable. For someone that hasn’t felt truly loved in a long time, or ever, Adam’s love is like spring of water in the desert to a thirsty person. It quenches a deep need within her and keeps her close to the water source.
The truth is, Eve is lovable with or without Adam, though she may not feel lovable without him. In keeping with the water metaphor, as long as Adam is her desert water source, she may jump to another relationship with an ideal man attracted to the well-hydrated version of her. Then, the hot attraction dynamic with the new man may quickly dwindle, leaving her second-guessing the choice to leave Adam behind in the dust.
The best likely solution for Eve is to consciously develop a way to quench her thirst for love with an authentic wellspring of self-love. This inner wellspring will allow her to instantly assess if she is attracted to a man because she feels thirsty for love or because he is indeed a good match for her, thus assisting her in better choices for a loving partnership. When your self-esteem is wrecked or lacking, you find yourself attracted to men simply because being with them allows you to feel good about yourself. We’re attracted to different types of men altogether when our self-esteem is in a healthy place than when it isn’t because the crutch-factor is absent. For this reason, it’s always ideal to work on a healthy self-esteem sooner than later. Also, being able to maintain the well-hydrated (well-loved) version of herself will allow her to attract handsome, well-hydrated men like a magnet to metal. People with a healthy self-love desire relationships with other people with a healthy self-love and will invest their time, energy and emotions accordingly.
A large part of your self-love, or lack thereof, is shaped by your unconscious beliefs and expectations around love and the role your love partner plays in your life. There will be more on this to come.